Gratitude

It's 5:30 AM. I had the opportunity to sleep until 7:00 today, but I can't. My stomach is in knots, my head is spinning, my heart is pounding. The plane leaves at 5pm. I'm not done packing. If you don't already know this about me, I'm a little prone to anxiety. Let's just say it runs in the family. It might be part of the reason I'm so good at my job. It's not too hard for me to put myself in many of my patients' shoes. When they tell me that they have been the emergency room because they really believed they were dying of a heart attack and it turned out to be a panic attack, I understand. If they lay in bed at night and can't sleep because they can't stop their heads from thinking about all that is going on in their lives, I've been there. And if they say they have a lot to be thankful for so they can't understand why the anxiety persists, I know that feeling well.

But then I stop in my tracks. Wow, I do have a lot to be thankful for. I'm working with these people who don't know if they'll have a home next month because the money is gone and the jobs are no where to be found. Or worse, they live in a single room, sharing one bathroom with a long hall of neighbors and the bedbugs are rooming right along side them. Many don't know their families and can't trust their friends. They have been stolen from, mistreated, abused. They hear voices telling them they'll never be good enough, most hear much worse than that. The ER visits are about much more than a false alarm heart attack. Many have attempted to take their own lives, often more than once.

So, hell yes, I have a lot to be thankful for. The heat is warming my house while I write this. Fresh coffee is brewing. I have an amazing kid who is tucked quietly in his bed, not having to worry about whether there will be breakfast. My husband, also still sound asleep, has supported every step I have taken and I couldn't ask for a better father for my son. I have parents who taught me to work hard but who also rewarded the hard work. Even crazier, I get to eat whenever I want. I don't need to sneak into the Y to shower. I don't have to carry my few prized possessions every where I go for fear of someone sneaking into my bedbug infested room and stealing them while I'm down the hall in the community bathroom.

So what's the moral here, what's the point? Today, I will embrace this anxiety. I will be thankful for it. That doesn't mean I enjoy feeling like I might pass out and fall down the stairs. But I'm going to use it to push forward and tackle my own challenge, which now really seems small compared to the challenges that I see people face every day.

Among the things I am so thankful for, I do want to thank all of you for reading my thoughts every week. It is humbling and motivating all at once and I promise to make you all proud.

Now I need to head out to the ER and see if they'll give me an IV of Valium.