Can't get enough. . .

I have so much to say but I am crunched for time. I will expand later but you should know that after running your first huge race, you experience a significant let down. A depressed feeling of emptiness. The goal has been accomplished but now what???

I have come up with a quick fix. I am hosting a 5K, starting at my house on Halloween morning at 10:00AM. I will supply gatorade for pre-race and water and chocolate milk for post-race. Please bring a snack to share for post-race. It will be casual, no timing, no expectations. I only expect you to do the whole 3.1 miles (at your OWN pace) and to HAVE FUN. You can walk, run, jog, etc. Costumes are optional. Kids are welcome in strollers, on bikes, or walking/running alongside. I want to promote healthiness for us all on a day when we will likely be eating lots of candy!!

If you are reading this, you are invited, and your friends are too. Please just rsvp to brookev10@charter.net so I know how many people to expect.

DON'T BE INTIMIDATED! THIS IS FOR FUN AND HEALTH, NOT TO SEE WHO'S THE FASTEST!!!!!! PLEASE JOIN ME !!!!!!!!!!!!

The Final Performance

Wow, I am without words. Or I don't know where to begin. Today was one of the top ten days of my life. At the risk of offending anyone, I will not share the other nine. It's hard to describe what I've been through in the last 12 hours. Wild emotion, exhilerating pain, and a ravenous appetite. I'll give you the highlights.

It rained, hard sometimes. Luckily it wasn't freezing. But I was drenched before I started. And I had consumed a large Gatorade. And the line for the porta potty was 146 people long. So that's how things started. But things quickly improved. Early in the race, I saw a restaurant that we had been conveniently joking about all weekend, "Hung Far Low", a chop suey restaurant. I nearly started crying early in the race with thoughts of "I can't believe I am doing this!" But there wasn't time for that. Miles 2-4 were uphill.

It wasn't as bad as I expected. I was easily distracted by the excitement of it all and the people watching. Some women just don't understand the importance of proper undergarments while running. After the hill, we were graciously rewarded with a nice downhill. Then I saw Becki in the crowd and I shouted, "I SAW HUNG FAR LOW!!" 1/3 of the race was done.

The second third of the race was by far my best. I ran strong and felt great. It was easier than it should have been. I just enjoyed my music and the experience, as cliche as that sounds. As I headed back, I saw Erin, still running hard, and it was great for my own spirit. She looked great. But the last few miles were tough. I got delerious, but in a good way. Even though I've done a lot of races, I suddenly forgot that the mile markers indicated the mile I had just finished, not the one I was starting! Oh my, I only have four miles to go, not 5! That was a great moment for me. I think it saved me actually.

The next funny thing happened near the finish line. It had hit me that I was finishing without walking. I was pumped (you know I know how, to make you stop and stare as I zone out. . . ). I saw the 13 mile marker ahead so I took off. I had saved enough energy for a finish line sprint. Only guess what, after the 13 mile marker, you still have to run 0.1 miles and my finish line sprint couldn't quite sustain it. So I had to slow down a little bit and laughed my ass off to myself that I had done that. It made my finish a bit anticlimactic but awesome nonetheless.

I wandered my way through the finish area. Regrettably now, I didn't take advantage of the great food or the photo op. It was like I didn't get what was going on plus I was, by that time, freezing, soaked, and completely overwhelmed. It took a good 1/2 hour for me to remember my own name.

I lied above. This day wasn't in my top 10. It was in my top 5. I loved it. I felt great the whole time, even when it got hard. For all the doubts I'd had, my training has paid off. I did the absolute BEST I could. My goal has been met. For the record, Erin did amazing and I could have never done this with her support and motivation the past 10 months.

I hurt right now. My heels and knees are experiencing something foreign. It's all in a good way. And it was all worth it. Don't even ask, I can't wait to do it again.

Gratitude

It's 5:30 AM. I had the opportunity to sleep until 7:00 today, but I can't. My stomach is in knots, my head is spinning, my heart is pounding. The plane leaves at 5pm. I'm not done packing. If you don't already know this about me, I'm a little prone to anxiety. Let's just say it runs in the family. It might be part of the reason I'm so good at my job. It's not too hard for me to put myself in many of my patients' shoes. When they tell me that they have been the emergency room because they really believed they were dying of a heart attack and it turned out to be a panic attack, I understand. If they lay in bed at night and can't sleep because they can't stop their heads from thinking about all that is going on in their lives, I've been there. And if they say they have a lot to be thankful for so they can't understand why the anxiety persists, I know that feeling well.

But then I stop in my tracks. Wow, I do have a lot to be thankful for. I'm working with these people who don't know if they'll have a home next month because the money is gone and the jobs are no where to be found. Or worse, they live in a single room, sharing one bathroom with a long hall of neighbors and the bedbugs are rooming right along side them. Many don't know their families and can't trust their friends. They have been stolen from, mistreated, abused. They hear voices telling them they'll never be good enough, most hear much worse than that. The ER visits are about much more than a false alarm heart attack. Many have attempted to take their own lives, often more than once.

So, hell yes, I have a lot to be thankful for. The heat is warming my house while I write this. Fresh coffee is brewing. I have an amazing kid who is tucked quietly in his bed, not having to worry about whether there will be breakfast. My husband, also still sound asleep, has supported every step I have taken and I couldn't ask for a better father for my son. I have parents who taught me to work hard but who also rewarded the hard work. Even crazier, I get to eat whenever I want. I don't need to sneak into the Y to shower. I don't have to carry my few prized possessions every where I go for fear of someone sneaking into my bedbug infested room and stealing them while I'm down the hall in the community bathroom.

So what's the moral here, what's the point? Today, I will embrace this anxiety. I will be thankful for it. That doesn't mean I enjoy feeling like I might pass out and fall down the stairs. But I'm going to use it to push forward and tackle my own challenge, which now really seems small compared to the challenges that I see people face every day.

Among the things I am so thankful for, I do want to thank all of you for reading my thoughts every week. It is humbling and motivating all at once and I promise to make you all proud.

Now I need to head out to the ER and see if they'll give me an IV of Valium.

One More Week!!

Dear Friends and Readers,
10 months ago, I started this blog as a way to track my training for a half marathon that I am about to run in one week. When I started, I had no idea what to expect from the training or the writing. I have been surprised by both. The training was hard, much harder than I imagined. But it's the writing that has really caught my attention.

It started as a true running blog but has developed into something so much more meaningful to me. I can't believe how many of you actually read this every week and later comment to me in writing or in person. I am touched, truly, that you have read and enjoyed my work. I read every entry recently, to remind myself where this all began. There were obviously days when I was feeling more joyous than others, and times when the running brought out some deeper thoughts, ones that I have had the courage to share with you.

I have logged 550 miles training for this half marathon. WOW! Through that time, I have had several close encounters and have learned where many public restrooms are located. I can tell you a 7 mile route that doesn't include running up hills but mysteriously allows you to run downhill quite often. As for the encounters, they are ALL true. On Prairie Road, just outside Ripon, there is a farmette with some horses. One of them will run superfast circles as you approach. He appears posessed. Don't worry. He won't jump the fence and, after several encounters, he actually appears to simply be trying to catch my attention. Up ahead, there is usually a flock of wild turkeys. They are all talk. Stomp your foot real hard in their direction and they'll gobble off into the corn field like tomorrow is Thanksgiving day and they are running for their lives.

There are suicidal chipmunks on the Northwest Trail. I'm not joking. They will stand there and play "chicken". I have nearly stepped on them many times, but just as I approach they suddenly disappear into a nearby hole in the ground. Don't run down the sidewalk on the east side of Newbury street. There is a beagle who will choke himself senseless on his chain just to try to bite a chunk off of your leg. I think he has a sibling on Fenton street only this sucker is usually off leash. You have to hope his toothless, cigarette smoking owner is outside. Even that isn't a guarantee of your safety. I haven't been running on Fenton for a while.

I've seen deer, snakes, turtles, wonderful birds, and friendly dogs who almost stop me in my tracks with their smiles. None of these encounters can compare to what happens when you try to run through Menomonee Park in Oshkosh. In all honesty, the geese own this place. They mock you, tease you, dare you to stop. The stomping of the foot tactic that worked so well for the turkeys only encourages the geese to hiss and honk and command respect. Unlike the chipmunks, they won't disappear into a hole. Unlike the horse, they do not appear to be having fun. Only the man who lives on Fenton street has a chance with these fools. To make matters worse, there is no way to run through the park without stepping in their waste.

So this is it. One more week. I haven't decided what will happen to this blog when it's over. Honestly, I don't want to give it up, but it's future remains uncertain. It's something I'll have to consider in the coming weeks. But right now, the focus is on Sunday, 10-10-10. More to come. . . .

Love to you all,
Brooke

Here we are. Two weeks away from the craziest thing I've ever done. Sober. I could not be here without thanking some awesome musicians. Running without music is nearly impossible for me. Today I am going to take some time to give credit to those artists who have basically pushed me to run harder, faster, farther, without even knowing it. Jay-Z, you are an amazing man whose quotes such as "Can I get a f*%$ you" as well as the entire first verse of "Big Pimpin" have helped me become who I am today. And to your lovely lady Beyonce, who reminds me daily that her "body's too bootylicious," girl you have inspired me to embrace being a big bootied woman.

There is Ludacris (they don't love me for who I am but who I'm destined to be), the ever popular Beastie Boys (well, I think I'm losing my mind this time, this time I'm losing my mind), and a crowd favorite Motley Crue (when we started this band, all we needed, needed was a laugh, years go by I'd say we've kicked some ass). I also want to give an honorary mention to Simple Plan, Poison, The Black Eyed Peas, and Good Charlotte.

Every so often I hear a song that really blows my mind. We all have those songs that make us stop for a moment and remember exactly what was going on in our lives when we heard that song. I have strong attachments to "Linger" by the Cranberries, "Lola" by The Kinks, and "The Sign" by Ace of Base. But none of them measure up to the song that has changed my training for this half marathon. Only this one song has pushed me from a quarter marathoner to a half marathoner.

When your name is Flo Rida, you best be putting up hot lyrics. And Flo Rida really out did his own greatness when he wrote the song "Club Can't Handle Me." With lyrics like, "Still feeling myself I'm like out of control, can't stop now more shots let's go", Flo Rida calls out to us moms in our 30's, reminding us of our glory days. Who can't think back to a college frat party when he shouts "Putch'yo hands up"? And when Flo (I think I can call him that) gets real with the line "Bring ya body here let me switch up your atmosphere", it just about melts my heart.

So when I'm out running and this song hits the top of the playlist, I completely forget what I'm doing and just zone out, which is exactly the point of the song:
You know I know how
To make 'em stop and stare as I zone out
The club can't even handle me right now
Watchin you watchin me I go all out
The club can't even handle me right now.

It reminds me of a time when I may have had just one (or seven) too many plastic cups of Busch Light and I found myself on the dance floor. (Yes, mom, I did this kind of stuff. Maybe you shouldn't be reading this.) It's at those moments where you really think you are amazing, unstoppable, even gorgeous. You think everyone is watching you and they think you are the best dancer even though they might actually be making fun of you. Come on, you know this has happened to you. But then, holy crap, suddenly you are a working 35 year old mom, and it becomes an amazing, unstoppable, gorgeous moment when you realize you are actually going to finish a half marathon!!

So Flo, thank you for this song. I think it was destined to be released the summer I was training for this half marathon. I think you secretly wrote it for 35 year old working moms who thought the club really could handle them at this point. I think you deserve to be told, in the immortal words of Vince Neil, I'd say you're still kickin ass!!!!

Two weeks and counting people, time to get crazy!!

Real Great Women

Today was the Fox Cities Marathon. I love this event because I usually know a few of the athletes and I love the course and finish area. Since I work in the Fox Valley, I almost feel a bit of home field advantage. This year, I participated in the Marathon Relay, running a 5 mile leg of the full marathon with some co-workers as team members. It was really fun. I found myself smiling and actually enjoying it, running even a bit faster than usual since I was accountable to the team.

As most of you know, I also won a special honor at the race. With an excerpt from the May 22 post from this blog, I was given the honor of being a "Great Woman of the Race," complete with a special pink shirt. (How I love gear.) There were 19 more of these women out there somewhere but I only saw two of them and was proud to be part of this special group. But the truth is, there are some really great women out there who aren't wearing pink shirts to display their greatness. They go about business quietly making an impact in their own special ways. I'll tell you about a couple of them. You might know them, and if you do, consider yourself very lucky.

There is a young woman who grew up in Ripon, not giving herself much credit. She didn't need to be a stand out athlete or valedictorian. In fact, I don't think she cared much for school or activities related to the place. But she always worked really hard, even if she had to go home stinking of french fries. She never seemed to be super confident but at some point, decided to take a giant leap on her own and moved across the country. She quietly finished college and a master's degree and has been teaching in a neighborhood where breakfast may be more important than learning to read and where showing a 6 year old some real love could be the most meaningful lesson. Now, she's expecting a child of her own and I don't know who will be blessed more, my sister or her baby.

Another similar but yet completely different story is about a woman who could put herself through graduate school while working full time and having two kids in grade school. She's smarter than most women I know but never acts like she is better than anyone else. In my eyes, she can almost do no wrong. She exudes confidence in a humble way, and has been super successful without taking anything for granted. You see where I'm going with this. She's a special combination of sophistication and simplicity. If you've ever met my mom, you know exactly what I am talking about.

So I'm still sitting here in my pink shirt, just a little lazy this afternoon, and I realize that there are great women all around me. I'm only "great" because I've been surrounded by greatness. And that greatness extends so much further. From my friends, to my co-workers, to the girl at the coffee shop who makes the best mochas. There are the women who are making a go with small business ventures, raising their kids (and sometimes their husbands), going back to school, fundraising for charities, and running corporations. Every single one of us has something great inside and the more we share with each other, the more great we all become.

The weeks are flying by and soon I will be taking off to Portland for the 1/2 marathon. I'll be joined by a few of the great women in my life. We'll keep you up to date as the weekend passes by. It's sure to be memorable. Special acknowlegement today to my sister in law, who completed a half marathon after five months of devoted training and about 60 pounds of weight loss and one of my running inspirations, Dianna, who finished her first full marathon. These women are at the top of that list of greatness today.

Now get out there and share your greatness with the women in your life!

The Fuel Needed for True Confidence

Well, a couple of months ago, I wasn't sure about all of this. I've never referred to myself as a runner. I've always told people I was a beginner, learning to run. When you go to races, no matter the distance, there is such a wide range of people and ability levels. The front of the pack contains the stick thin crazy people. The people who were truly born to run, who appear to require little effort, the people we know we cannot catch. In the back, there is usually a group of walkers. These guys are not there to set any records. They are there for the experience, the cause, or because they are getting started. I sometimes envy this group because they don't appear to be putting a lot of pressure on themselves. They look like they are actually having fun, like they are not in pain.

Since I decided to learn to run, I have fallen in the middle. Even the middle has a wide variety of ability levels. I've considered myself a beginner, sometimes an advanced beginner, afraid to move ahead in the middle pack, not sure I could fit into this group. I get a lot of thigh chafing when I wear the short running shorts. I haven't run a sub 30 minute 5K. There are plenty of days when I feel like I've never run before and I struggle to finish the first mile. I've been looking for some evidence, some proof that I can call myself a runner. I think it happened today.

I went to the running store, where I still feel completely out of place, like the employees must be laughing when I leave. (That woman runs! HA HA!!) I went there to purchase a fuel belt. This is the funniest piece of running gear. It is a belt with mini water bottles attached so you don't have to carry water. I decided that since I was shooting for a nine mile run, I should have one of these. I didn't really want one, afraid that it would feel heavy, look ridiculous, and just basically irritate me. I actually considered driving my route and hiding bottles of water along the way in the brush along the sides of the road. Something told me that this plan may actually be more ridiculous than the belt. So I left the running store with a fuel belt, a stick of body glide (hey, maybe I can try the short shorts and not have chafing with this stuff!), and the impression that the guy wasn't laughing at me when I left.

The goal for today, with four mini bottles filled with G2 strapped to my waist, was nine miles. Nine is a scary number when you are just a beginner. What am I saying? FIVE is a scary number! But nine seems like a big deal. A crazy big deal. It's so close to ten. It's so far to run. Could I really do it??? Hell yes, I'm wearing a fuel belt, aren't I? A person who chooses to run 9 miles should finally be able to call herself a runner, especially if she is going to traipse around in this silly contraption.

For the first time ever, I found the first 5 miles to be totally bearable. I had no desire to quit. I kept a mantra in my head "nine is fine", and repeated it endlessly. The next couple were tough but I was entertaining myself by laughing each time I passed a place where I had planned to hide a water bottle in the absence of my fancy belt. The belt was great, by the way. At the start of mile 7, I was running through Arcade Acres, my childhood neighborhood. Umm. . . here's where it starts getting fun. I was crying because I never ran this road as a kid. I biked it, walked it, skipped it, played tennis on it but I never ran on it. I was listening to the song "The Club Can't Handle Me" and really felt like NO ONE could handle me right now.

I planned my last mile on the Northwest Trail because I have been enjoying it lately. One mile to go! But damn it. I am wearing a fuel belt, aren't I? I am a RUNNER today, aren't I? If I stopped at the ninth mile, I would still have a mile to walk home. What crazy runner with a fuel belt would actually do that? A woman with a fuel belt runs that tenth mile. And she did. Probably the best part was when I ran up behind a man on the trail and he said, "Oh, you scared me." My response? "I'm on mile ten, I can't stop now. I've never done this before." Because he cared? Not sure, but I'm pretty sure he saw my fuel belt. (How could he miss it?)

So, yeah, I'm bragging. I ran ten miles today. I'm doing a half marathon. I wear a fuel belt. This is the day. I am a runner. No non-runner could accomplish this. I'm walking into that running store with my head held high. I may have actually impressed my hard to impress husband. I've finally impressed myself. I AM a runner.

Did I mention the fuel belt?

Grab a Lab

Have your workouts suffered lately? Are you bored with the usual routes and music? Need a little pick me up? I have the answer for you: GRAB A LAB!!

I hate wind. So much. It is my absolute number one enemy when it comes to working out. Have you tried riding your bike or running in the wind? It is torture for me. My eyes water so bad that I look like I just finished watching the movie Beaches. I feel like I can't move or that I am actually running backwards at times. When I left work tonight, the wind was gusting at a nice steady 25-30mph. I was planning to run 5 miles but I couldn't bear the thought of it. But I knew I had to do something so I decided to go for a long walk instead, although I was dreading that too. Until I got the idea that I needed to change things up a bit. I grabbed a lab!

If you don't have a dog, you may not get anything I am about to say. I have three dogs. One happens to be a chocolate lab. He is a really good dog. Of course we've had our moments. He has eaten pairs of Doc Martens, whole packages of brats, trash, and other really disgusting items. He's also puked all of these things up which has been a real pleasure. He has soiled our carpets and run away multiple times. He got so sick that we had to max our home equity loan to save him. Certain people, who shall remain nameless, would not have tolerated this behavior or expense (you know who you are).

But if you have a dog, especially a lab, you know exactly why we tolerate this buffet of trash and subsequent vomit. You, too, would sacrifice your first born in order to save your lab's life. Ok, maybe not, but you would take out a second mortgage. And here's why. A lab is NEVER sad, depressed, or upset in any way. A lab is everything most humans aren't; loyal, friendly, happy, joyful, hopeful. A lab will also do anything to ensure his owner's happiness. This includes running in the wind.

So on this evening of gusting winds, I leashed up Blue and hit the trail. Blue does not do well with the leash. He will nearly strangle himself without seeming to understand that he could actually breathe if he just laid off a little bit. On the trail, I take him off the leash and that's where the fun begins. This dog literally had a smile on his face the entire time. He splashed in the stream, sniffed everything, ate grass (and who knows what else), and chased rabbits. I was worried he wouldn't make it the full 6 miles since he is getting old. HA!! What a joke, labs don't tire on a trail. He has no idea how old he is, he only knows that he is having the time of his life.

When we hit the last mile, it was pouring rain and the wind persisted, but it didn't bother me a bit. When you frolic with a lab, you completely forget about your surroundings and you are able to enjoy that moment almost as much as him. If you don't have a lab in your life, I suggest you get to know one. I swear you will hurt less, love more, and learn to enjoy even the worst days in life. He even helped me enjoy the hated wind. Too bad I can't take him to Portland with me!

Will the Real Brooke Please Stand Up?

Yes, I know the title line is outdated. I couldn't help myself. It is so very appropriate to what is going on with me right now. I ran seven miles tonight. I cannot believe it myself. There was a very brief walk up a very steep but short hill that I refuse to count because of the difficulty level of the hill. When I was done, I decided that after this half marathon, I am never running again. Sorry, but I mean it. I have greatly appreciated all of your support, emails, and facebook posts. I am so happy that I have even inspired a few of you. I hate to disappoint, but I am done, retired after October 11. And here's why: I have lost my identity.

I have no idea who I am anymore. I cannot even see much of my former self when I look in the mirror. I do not recognize this woman in gym clothes. I do not understand the fixation with whole grains or the passion for arch support. You guys know me, most of you know me pretty well. I like hair stuff, and high heels; laying in lawn chairs and watching America's Next Top Model. This woman who I see in the mirror has a permanent sweaty ponytail and walks around in New Balance running shoes. My best lounge chair is full of spider webs and garage dust and I can't even tell you who was in the running to be the next Cover Girl.

Brats have been a fabulous summer treat. My actual self loves them. Tonight, this strange woman in my house had a turkey brat on a whole grain bun with chopped tomatoes and onions on top. To my horror, it wasn't even soaked in beer. And it was good. My father might disown me.

I hate this woman. She doesn't shop at the Gap or eat turtle sundaes. She wakes up early on Saturdays to run or go to yoga class. I don't do those things!! I love turtle sundaes and the more sleep the better. Who cares about doing the crow pose for more than 30 seconds???? Apparently she does. I did beat the crap out of her on Sunday night when I stayed out at a bar until it actually closed. The last time that happened I woke up in a frat house and had to walk home with no shoes. THIS woman would never let that happen.

Although I hate her, I also fear her. I hate to admit it but she is kind of cool. She's the one who talked me into buying a kayak, which I love. She got me to go on some marathon bike rides. She doesn't care if I look disgustingly sweaty or if I'm the only one crazy enough to get up at 5 AM on Thanksgiving morning to run a 5K. She is a lot more confident than me and willing to take risks that I never would have taken before.

OK, maybe I'll keep her around. But I'm NOT running :)

An Inspiring Morning

Let me begin this by admitting that, yes, much of today's post has been inspired by the fact that I started reading Eat, Pray, Love this weekend. I know it's cliche and that half the women in America are probably saying this but I sure can relate to the beginning of this woman's story.

This morning, we took our daily walk to the gas station for Gatorade (purple) among other necessities. As usual, we passed the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship. Our son, Sam, comments "we don't go to church." He's right, we don't. And just like in the book, the reasons for that don't really pertain to this blog. So I'm thinking about this as I'm running and the truth is, in my mind, we go to church every day. Just like the author, I don't really think about God as a single specific entity. I don't even really have a name for her or him or it or that or whatever this God thing is. She worded this so eloquently in the book. I don't dare to even try to accomplish capturing this thought the way that she did with words. If you haven't read the book, you should.

This gets to be a pretty philisophical run for me as I start to think about all the things that this thing called God can be part of. My church is right here, the route that I am running. I don't need the building or the ladies group or the collection plate. I've got the sun, which to me holds so much power and energy that it could be this thing called God all by itself. I've got freedom to choose which direction to go and the choices are endless. I'm seeing this God all around me, in the cool breeze, the Mill Pond, the seventy year old man running on the track. There is such a great selection of cheese at the grocery store. Certainly God must have had a hand in that!

My tendency to be a pessimist creeps in. There is so much negativity in the world, on the news, sometimes even in my own house. Ok, a lot of times in my own house. If this God is so special, why is he/she/it allowing this to happen to me, to us? How am I supposed to believe in any of this nonsense? I'm still not sure that I do.

But here is what I do believe. Life can be really hard. So hard that you want it to just stop. Like when you go on vacation to Florida and your husband calls to tell you that he just quit his job. Like when you go to the Health Risk Assessment at work at they tell you that your body fat is at 30%. Like that point at mile 3 when you could turn and just go home. But if you do that, if you just stop and head home, you will never know what you missed on miles 4, 5, and 6. Maybe there were some kids running a FREE lemonade stand or maybe you missed a Basset Hound laying out in the sun. Or maybe you missed your opportunity for your longest and most accomplished run yet! (Is this the start of a self help book? I have no idea where this is coming from right now.)

Something or someone must intervene at that 3 mile mark. Some force, some push is coming from someWHERE that makes you choose to turn away from home and see what else you can find. If this is called God, then AMEN. I didn't need an old stone building to get there. I just needed to take some time to find it.

Let's Get Real Here.

Ok, time to get down to the nitty gritty. There are 8 weeks left before Becki and I travel to Portland to participate in a half marathon with Erin. The training had a major set back in March and I never really bounced back. I am doing much better now than I have all summer, which is good news. But it's all seeming a bit funny to me as I sit here writing this tonight.

Allow me to describe a training "run" for you. I sit down at mapmyrun.com, one of my new favorite tools for training. I plot a route with the total mileage that I am trying to accomplish for that day. (I'm up to 6 by the way.) Then I gear up and set out. Of course now you are all thinking, wow, that's great. No, it's not. I wish you could see me laugh right now.

I start real serious. A good pace, steady breathing, nothing hurts. This is good. Soon, my legs feel tired. I'm just getting into it. A mile must have passed by now. I press the button on my ipod that tells me how far I've gone, 0.21 miles. Great, Karen, thanks for the update. How could that be? OK, so I'm not pressing that button again for a while. I think that thing is broken.

I purposely plan my route near parks that have bathrooms and bubblers, or water fountains if you require that terminology. The need for the bathroom is obvious to those of you who have birthed children. Running is right up there with jumping, sneezing, laughing, squatting down. One false move and you better hope that you are sweating enough to cover up your accident. So, I can stop at the park, use the bathroom and get a drink. I have gotten into the habit of sticking my head in the stream of water after I get my drink. I can only imagine what passers by think but I have really stopped worrying what passers by think at this point anyway.

Another trick. I purposely plan my route so that people will see me. By people, I mean people who cannot see me walking. I MUST be running when these people are near. When I suspect I may run into one of these people, I pick up the pace. They have no idea how much they are influencing my running. You may be one of these people without even knowing! No one but me knows who these people are. They have been chosen for very inappropriate, superficial reasons that only I can know without thoroughly embarrassing myself. I also run on really busy streets so that these people might see me running just as they are out innocently going about their own business.

But on the side streets of Ripon is where my secrets lurk. That's where I'm taking a brief walking break. Sure, my walk is on pace with some joggers, but to me, this is cheating. I'm not really running. I fear one of those people popping out of the bushes and yelling "HA! You aren't a runner. I knew it!!". I try to only walk on uphills so that if I'm caught, I have an excuse. I always smile to myself when I see one of these people off the beaten path and I am running hard. Trust me, it has happened. And it is oh, so satisfying.

As I approach the end of the route, I really try to push myself. I'm quite sure I appear half dead. If I at all become aware of my appearance, I realize that I am hunched over as if attempting to hurl myself forward. My eyes are squinted, mouth is grimacing. And now, it does look like I never found that bathroom and the weak muscles of motherhood just let loose. But the truth is, this is exactly how I want to look if I've been spotted by one of my secret motivators. It screams, "LOOK HOW HARD I'VE WORKED!!" It is SO satisfying to walk in the door as the sweat pours down. I think my family is more proud of me the worse I look.

Of course this is all in my head. I don't terribly care what my secret people think of me. Ok, I do a little or none of this would work. What matters is that this little game is just one more thing to make me work, to keep going, and to push just a little harder. And it's fun. Now, do you see why I sit here and laugh at myself?

Let's

A Triathlon?. . . .Who's with me?

So today I did something a little bit outside the box. Sam and I volunteered to work the finish line at the RMC triathlon at the Green Lake Conference Center. What a beautfil setting! These are real athletes, they are serious. The "short" course is a 1/4 mile swim, 16 mile bike ride, and 5k run. THE SHORT COURSE PEOPLE!! I had the honor and pleasure of greeting these people at the finish line, giving them water, and taking the timing chip off their ankles. My kid was a trooper and helped until the last athlete crossed the finish line. There were many inspiring moments today.

My friend Lisa took 3rd place in her age group. She is a rock star with arms I would KILL for. Sam's baseball coach and our good friend, Mitch, crossed the finish line looking like he could run another 3 miles. Sam was so excited to hand him his water. (I swear Sam wishes he was in the Beuthin family sometimes.) I saw several couples cross the finish line hand in hand but the most memorable was the wife who burst into tears, making me do the same. I also loved the wife who sprinted past her husband at the finish. The winner of the long course had cut his foot on some rocks in the water and finished the entire race, to take first, with a shoe soaked in blood. SOAKED IN BLOOD!!!! And the last girl who crossed the finish line at 4 hours and one minute had a smile on her face and her head held high. She did it.

It was an awesome race to watch and be a part of. I've got a long way to go and someday I would love to try it. I'm not sure I can do it myself. Who's with me?

A Change of Strategy

"The definition of psychosis is doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results." While that's not really the true definition of psychosis, it really is true that outcomes never change if the process of getting there is always the same. I have been beating myself up for the past few months for not running as well as I thought I should. So this week, I decided to change my strategy.

Usually, I plan a distance and set out to run that distance. Most days, I make it about 1/3 of the way, get frustrated, start walking, and beat myself up for it. So starts the evil thoughts of bad body image, insecurity, and doubt. I have done this over and over and over. I am so tired of being disappointed in my workouts and in myself.

Here is the new strategy. I will PLAN to incorporate walking. This involves a lot of mental stamina, which I continue to believe is the core strength needed for a distance runner. I make little plans in my head as I run such as "I will run for four songs, walk for one." Or I will run until the end of a certain block, then walk one, run six, etc. Some of you might wonder how this will ever get me to my goal of finishing a half marathon.

The truth is, it really helps. Giving myself permission to walk has been the best thing I could have done. I am running stronger during the running portions, and appreciating how hard I have worked. I am walking less than planned. The total distance is inching closer to the goal. And when I get home, I am satisfied because I have met my daily goal. No more bad attitude, no more disappointment. This is a great strategy!!

Other things that have blown my mind this week:
1. Ricki Weeks was hit by a fast ball in the head last night. He got up and finished the game. There is some serious mental toughness. He hit a homerun today.

2. My kid can force himself to stay awake even if he's played 3 baseball games, swam for an hour, and sat in the hot sun. Hard core mental stamina.

3. I have a pug that will spin in circles and bark loudly every time someone dries their hair or flushes the toilet. Ok, she is dumb. There is no mental toughness there. But it's really funny.

Lesson learned. If you continue to disappoint yourself while repeating certain behaviors over and over, stop and think. One little change in the way you think and act can set you on a whole new course. Isn't that a nice thought?

Wake Up!!

Oh boy, I haven't written a blog entry for almost a month. The summer is passing me by. I have been living on baseball diamonds and out of my car. It has been fun but it has really taken the focus off of any sort of "training." I continue to work at it. I have run up to 5 miles at a crack and plan to reach for six this weekend.

But I have had a wake up call, my friends, my wonderful readers. Let me preface this by saying that I'm not looking for pity or comments telling me I'm wrong. I know what I saw. Here goes. I saw a photo of myself today. A really horrible one. At first, when I saw this photo, I didn't realize it was me. I saw a woman who looked like she needed a water pill. I was stunned and saddened when it struck me that I was looking at myself. Trust me, I wanted to run into traffic.

Let's talk about this. Body image SUCKS. I'm sure many of you can relate to the argument that takes place in my head on a daily basis. A constant battle of good and evil. Good tells me to be happy with who I am and to cherish my strengths. Evil reminds me that our sick and twisted society appreciates beauty and that beauty equals thin. I hate this battle almost as much as I hate baked apples. If you don't know me well, trust me, that's a lot of hate. Considering my profession, I should know how to work this battle out in my head. But I don't.

Good says things like "nice work out today" or "you did a really great job with that patient" or "what a great family you have." Evil responds with "how can someone who works out so much still be overweight" or "how did you let that guy talk you into another adderall prescription" or "you are not spending near enough time with your son." The trick is to remember that the good thoughts are usually the correct ones even though the evil ones are very convincing.

So now what? I really can't bear another round of Weight Watchers. I know I can work out more and I will. I have to for goodness sake, I'm running a half marathon in just over 2 months!! I also know I'll feel better tomorrow. I always do. But I swear to God if anyone brings donuts to work, my evil side is going to BURST!!

Guest Blogger

Well, she doesn't know it yet, but I don't think she'll mind. My great friend, and the woman who got me into this mess:), Erin, has written a message to me this week that I think we can all learn from. I have been trying to keep it a secret from all of you, but my training for this half marathon just isn't going well at all. I have gained some weight and it's weighing me down. I haven't believed in myself and I've been avoiding it all. I have done a lot of work on my bicycle and with yoga but have not focused on the running the way I should.

Today, Erin, our guest blogger, ran 7 miles. This was her longest run EVER and up until today, she had been feeling very much like me about not finding the motivation. I was honestly shocked when I saw that she ran 7 because I really can't imagine doing it right now. So, I asked her how she did it and this is the response I got:


"I COMPLETELY know how you feel. I have not been running even close to this in the past two months. I usually do 3 while an occasional 4 miler for a "long" run!

But this morning it was all about my mentality. I told Bryan that I was going to be gone for 2 hours. I was going to try for six miles, but when I was plugging it into the Ipod Nike system, I told myself, "Why not try for 7?" It was a beautiful day outside. I kept telling myself that I could walk anytime after five miles and I that I would go as slow as I wanted. Mile 1 and 2 sucked, and I started to lose confidence. I slowed down to what felt like a jogging/walk. Then I hit the halfway point and thought, "I am doing okay." It felt so good to "head back" and know that I was on the last half of the run. Miles 5 and 6 were so slow, but I just kept telling myself, "You have the best opportunity to get to seven today." I hadn't had alcohol last night, I got a full night's sleep, I had a good breakfast, I didn't have to be home anytime soon, I was running by myself, and I had great weather. I told myself that if I was going to hit 7, today was the perfect day. I cannot tell you how much I kept talking to myself on the run today - it seemed constant after mile 4. The last mile was so hard, but I knew I wanted to hear that Nike+ system tell me, "Congratulations. That was your longest run yet."

My first response was utter jealously and a bit of self loathing. I'm sorry, that's just brutal honesty. I am very proud of Erin and instead of turning this into a chance to beat myself up, I am going to use her energy to try to turn my mess around. Several weeks back I wrote about the mental stamina and strength necessary for endurance running. Now is the time to practice what I had preached. Erin is living proof that it works.

Thanks for inspiring us all this week, my dear friend.

Kids with Passion

One of the neatest things about having children is how much you can learn from them. I missed writing my blog last week because I was so busy learning from my son. Not to mention carting him around, making sure the baseball uniform was clean, and trying to serve something other than chicken nuggets. Maybe this blog will sound like I'm bragging, and really, I am. I'm sure that some of you will say, "oh, all kids are like that. She's just biased." And that's ok. There is a part of me that truly believes something special is happening with my son. He is teaching me about passion.

I have one of those little boys who lives for sports. Football, basketball, baseball. . . .It is possible that his father brainwashed him at a young age. He spent countless hours at fields and gyms watching his cousin before he was old enough to play himself. But this summer, I am learning that my son has fire in him for baseball like nothing I have ever seen. He watches Brewer's games like Jesus himself might be playing. All of them. He will play catch until I literally have to stop at the risk of needing rotator cuff repair, and then he just finds his dad to play some more. He SLEEPS WITH HIS FREAKING BATTING HELMET.

Sam is on two baseball teams, one being the tournament team for kids 8 and under. We play or practice baseball at least 4 nights a week, if not more. That doesn't count the hours against my shoulder. It is amazing to watch him on the field. He takes infielding very seriously, studies the pros, and then mimicks their actions. He's working on the hitting part, and I'm sure that will come, but for now he is blowing me away with his play in the field. He could be exhausted, sick, in a bad mood, and he would never skip practice.

And this is where the learning comes in. Do you know how often I skip a workout, or shorten it with excuses like "I am just so tired from a really long day," or "I'll run an extra 15 minutes tomorrow"? My kid wouldn't even consider leaving practice early. In fact, he wants to practice more when we get home. I would never sleep with my running shoes on my pillow, but maybe I should! If I gave to running the same passion that Sam gives to baseball, I would already have run that 1/2 marathon and may be planning for the seemingly unreachable full 26.2.

Drumming up that passion is hard. It's something that just lives inside certain people. I'm really jealous of my son for having it innately. And really proud of him for putting it to good use. I think I have it in there, maybe not for running but for other things. If I can somehow direct it toward my workouts and put in just that much more, I know I'll see more progress. I guess I'll watch Sam at his tournament next weekend and see if I can learn just how to dig up this passion and put it to use.

Trust me, I have no delusions that my son will one day play second base for the Brewers. I am not one of those parents. For his sake, I hope that he finds something else in life that stirs the same passion in him because the cool thing is that I already know he will work hard and be successful. Perhaps it's my passion for this child that will drive me forward!

Find your passion and have a beautiful week!

One Good Deed

So I've started a new practice along with this training mission. Each week, I am writing a list of goals and putting it up on the fridge. It usually includes the total number of miles I plan to run in that week, other workouts that I want to fit in, and at the bottom of the list each week it says, "ONE GOOD DEED." I want to remember that while I'm so focused on this running, training, and the rest of my busy life, it is sometimes good to think about people other than myself. In my line of work, we are always encouraging people to put themselves first. I can't tell you the number of times I have said to my patients, "You can't be a good parent [friend, employee, etc.] if you don't take care of yourself and make your mental and physical wellness your top priority." I strongly believe that.

But, I also believe that mental wellness sometimes comes from giving a part of yourself to others in an effort to help them achieve wellness of their own. Let's face it, giving, donating, volunteering. . . .they all have a two fold effect. You make the other person happy and someone benefits from your generosity. But you can also learn so much about yourself by feeling appreciated and seeing that you do have something to offer to other people.

Good deeds don't have to be a big deal. There was one week that I brought a giant bag of popcorn to work to share with my co-workers. (The Dairy Queen in Neenah has the BEST popcorn.) People enjoyed it and we were all happy. If any co-workers missed it and you are reading now, sorry for your loss. The popcorn was awesome.

Other times, good deeds can be a very big deal. This week, I took a day off work to volunteer for Healthy Hobby Day at Princeton Elementary school. Although I am only a yoga novice, I was invited after doing some yoga with the cub scouts one night. This day in Princeton included six half-hour sessions of yoga with kids in grades K-5.

I had no idea what I was getting myself into. The kids were amazing, for the most part. They soaked it in, took it seriously, and tried everything at least once. Even the boys, who were a bit skeptical to say the least, really enjoyed themselves. It helped that Sam came with me and demonstrated all of the poses. They even enjoyed the crazy African music that I brought for the background.

There were a few trying moments. One fifth grade girl told me that she already had six pack abs and asked me if I ever did. (None of your business.) One sweet little girl shared that her family oven has been broken for a long time so they have to bake cookies in the pizza oven. (Apparently it works, by the way.) And of course, there were the show off kids who wanted me to watch them exclusively as they did each pose perfectly.

But when we were done, I got lots of hugs. I had parents who worked at the school coming to tell me that their kids can't wait to try more yoga at home. The school staff treated me like a queen. And that's when it hit me. . .I don't know who benefitted from this day more, me or the kids. I was there for the kids, but when I left, I felt like I had been given just as much. And that's what this "ONE GOOD DEED" thing is all about. It is inspiring and their are no losers.

Happy Holiday Weekend. Get out there and enjoy this glorious weather as it, too, has been a wonderful gift!!

Why, why, why???????????

It's a really good question. I was at a party last summer and had to leave early to get up for a 5k the next morning and one of my friends looked at me and simply said, "why?". "What do you mean?," I asked. And his question was, "Why on earth would you do that?" As I said, it is a really good question and it's one that I ask myself a lot. There are many obvious answers but the real answer is not so obvious. Let's review. . . .

Obvious answer #1: To get skinny. Well, throw this one out right away. I'd love to be skinny but it's not working out so good. There are two parts to getting skinny and excercise is just one of them. The other one does not include alfredo sauce.

Obvious answer #2: It's fun. No, it isn't really that fun. It isn't fun when you are running a 5K and think you must be nearing mile three but then see a sign that says "MILE 1". It's fun at the beginning and fun at the end, but the middle can sometimes really suck.

Obvious answer #3: To be healthy. This is a good one. I do want to be healthy and live a long life. I hope I can run 5K's with my grandkids some day as I saw one grandfather doing with his granddaughter this morning. I have no desire to have a heart attack or take a bunch of blood pressure medication. I like to be able to run up and down the stairs without having to catch my breath.

Obvious answer #4: The gear. I suppose I could walk in this gear or do other excercise in it. But somehow this gear gets me all fired up.

The truth. The truth is hard to explain. As a kid, I was not an athlete. I was a nail polisher, a dancer, a slumber partier, a boy chaser, a sun bather. I played little league but wanted to puke before every game. I still can't catch, or throw for that matter. I cried on mile run day in gym class. I came in last every time, usually walking. I honestly believed, until last year, that I COULD NOT run. I am in awe of myself every time I do. So that is why I run. I run because I CAN!

At the end of every run I think about that girl I used to be and I shake my head and wonder where this woman came from. It's hard to believe, really, that I can do this. It makes me wonder what else I can do and that is super exciting!

"Ad" it up

I am a sucker for commercials. If a product has a good commercial, I will try it or buy it. Marketing agencies and the people who hire them love people like me. Companies like Nike, Gap, Target, and Menards have been getting my business for years. Who doesn't know and love the Menards jingle? Come on, it's genius! Have you heard the new radio spots for Michigan Travel? A soothing voice paints a picture of gorgeous scenery and nostaglic summer nights, camping under brilliant stars. I am packing tomorrow. Upper Michigan, here I come!!!!

On the flip side, if I don't like your commercial, you better watch out. Recently a health care corporation in Green Bay was promoting their Birthing Center, using a man as a spokesperson. I didn't get it at all. What does a man know about a place to give birth? How does he know what a woman needs to feel comfortable while she pushes another human through her birth canal? He wasn't a doctor or anything. . . . . just a man. . . . promoting a birthing center. I see he is now starring in their cardiac care commercials. If I ever see him in the birthing center again, his next stop might be the trauma unit.

So what does this have to do with my running blog? A lot. As I've mentioned, many times, I love Gatorade. I have a blueberry-pomegranite G2 in the fridge right now as my reward for running later today. YAY! The new Gatorade ads are very exciting. If you haven't seen them or missed my blog last week, they are promoting a new three step fueling system for athletes. As a loyal Gatorade drinker and commercial watcher, I found it important for me to run out and try this system immediately.

Step one, check out the packaging. It's cool. Typical Gatorade stuff, the lightening bolt, etc. Very good. Next step, read the label. Uh-oh. Here's where it started to fall apart for me. The gel is basically sugar and vitamin B. I didn't try it or buy it because it costs a lot and has a whole bunch of calories. Part 2 is the Gatorade I know and love. Any flavor, original or G2, they now call it "Performance", meant to rehydrate during activity. The final product, part 3, is "Recovery". It is a thicker, syrupy Gatorade with added protien. Sam wanted to try it, so I did buy one bottle of lemon lime. I'm very sorry Gatorade, but it was gross. It tastes like medicine. I could barely choke down one sip. It also has a lot of calories. When I added it all up, the total amount of calorie intake from the whole 3 part system was more calories than I would burn in my average 3 mile run.

So, despite a great advertising campaign, I cannot endorse this new Gatorade system. If you run a half or a full marathon, or you are a HARD CORE athlete, this might be a good system for you. Well, if you can choke down the Recovery drink. Myself, I'm sticking with a banana, G2, and a small glass of skim chocolate milk. Have you SEEN those chocolate milk commercials????

A Friendly Competition

Welcome to Saturday! First a couple of updates on previous blog entries.

Have you seen the new Gatorade commercials? They now have a 3 step system. Gel for preworkout, hydration for during the workout, and a protien infused "recovery" drink for post work out. The packaging is cool, the marketing is great. I can't wait to run out and buy the whole damn system. Updates to follow.

Regarding the mailboxes in my parents' subdivision. The Lakes at Sable Ridge is no longer the safe, gated community it was created to be. They voted on the mailboxes and paid a tremendous amount for the winning box. But the mailboxes have not yet been delivered or installed. One neighbor threatened another and actually told him he better keep an eye on his dog. Now threatening the neighbor, I understand. But the dog? What on earth is going on down there?

Now let me tell you a story about a competitive husband. My husband was a track runner in high school. He tells me that he hated it, unless he won. And he made it his mission to win every race he ran so that he could enjoy the season. It is this kind of competitive spirit that allows a man who NEVER works out to just decide to run a 5K on a Saturday morning.

So a few weeks ago, he ran the Oshkosh 5K with me. We started out together, stride for stride. I told him that if he didn't want to go my pace, he was welcome to run ahead but he stayed with me. I thought it was nice. About half way through the race, he started huffing and puffing, wheezing, spitting, and sighing loudly. I was a little concerned but secretly excited. He was fading fast and I thought I might have a chance to beat him. I mean, after all, I work out all the time. I should be in better shape. I should be able to beat him.

But something in that competetive brain of his could not allow it. As we started the 3rd mile, he pulled ahead. Almost a sprint. What the hell? I kept my eye on him and sure enough, after about a quarter mile, he started to walk. This was my chance. I gained on him but he couldn't stand the thought of losing. He sprinted ahead and beat me by 20 seconds. OK, fine. I can handle it. I'll have another chance.

Today was that chance. The Sole Burner in Appleton. A 5K on a beautiful course to raise money for the American Cancer Society. A similar start, running together at a comfortable pace. At mile two, the asthma attack kicks in and my husband stops running. I looked back and he gave me the signal to go ahead. Ok, babe, you don't have to tell me twice. I kept going, a loud cheer in my head. I picked up my pace a bit, excited by the possibilities. But guess what? As we start the 3rd mile, he shows up next to me. He must have sprinted. "You Jack Ass" I yelled as people around us chuckled.

But his second wind didn't last long. The next thing I knew, I was again running alone. It was the last half mile and the end of the race is the "Hill of Hope", a painfully steep hill. I kept my pace, I didn't stop. I reached the top of the hill and could see the finish line a quarter mile away. Oh my gosh this is really happening. I started to pick up my pace, little by little as I reached the finish line. I can't believe it. I am beating my competitive husband, the former track star. I have worked hard enough to finally make this happen. I am neck and neck with a few other people and ran just fast enough to cross the finish line ahead of them. And just as I was about to cross, my wheezing former track star husband whizzed by me, beating me by about 5 seconds.

Well there are two ways to look at this. My first response was, what a jerk! Let me win, just once. This sucks and it's not fair. I work so hard. But the truth is, he won fair and square. He pulled out more in the final seconds and when I beat him, I don't want it to be because he let me win. I'm not even that disappointed because I ran my best, didn't stop, and was happy with my overall result. I had a blast running with my husband and coming so close to beating him. It was the most fun I've had running a 5K.

I don't know when I'm going to get him out there again but I have renewed hope. There will come a day that I will beat him at a 5K and the whole world will know about it, I promise.

Inspired

Well, last week I made a plea to all of my readers for help getting motivated again. I got some really nice responses and I am SO grateful to all of you who responded. There are two of you out there who gave me some great advice so I hope you don't mind me sharing. Both of you have my greatest respect for what you have accomplished as runners and so I really take your advice to heart. The funny thing is that, in not so many words, you both told me the same thing. You told me to use running as a reward to myself for the hard work I do, to be selfish with the time I spend running, and to never feel guilty when I take the time to do it. I love this quote from Dianna M., "Don't say I have to go running, say I GET to go running."

Each time I have been running since last weekend, I have gotten a little bit stronger and a little bit more confident. When I'm sore and tired and want to give up, I tell myself how great this is for my body and how lucky I am to be out running in the fresh air. I've also thought about these two strong, competitive women and how lucky I am to have them both as inspiration!

If this hasn't helped to motivate you so far, I have created a list of running DOs and DONTs to give you a little boost and advice.

DO. .. . . . .enjoy the song "Big Pimpin" by Jay Z
DO. . . . . . . .run like Phoebe from Friends
DO. . . . . .go to a nature trail for a change of pace
DO. . . . . . give yourself a pat on the back no matter how far or fast you run
DO. . . .. .take your 10 year old chocolate lab for a run, he still loves it!!!
DO. . . .force yourself to run a few hills. It hurts so good.
DO. . . . .know where a few public restrooms are along the way

DON'T . . . . . run with the sun at your back. The shadow situation is ridiculous.
DON'T . . . . .eat a FIBER ONE bar too soon before a run
DON'T. . . . . get upset if you have to walk a block or two or ten
DON'T. . . . .blame me if you're still a couch potato

OK, friends. Have an awesome week. I just ran 3 miles and I feel great. Even though the wind was blowing hard and it was too damn windy and my leg hurt a little and I picked a hilly route. Did I mention the wind? None of it mattered. I ran because I wanted to and that's a lot of fun!!!

HELP!!!!

I need help. Please read this week and help me. I have lost my "spirit" or something. I really want to get back to my old self but can't seem to do it. I had every opportunity this week and I did OK. I ran a few times but not at full effort. I went to a yoga class, but not a hard one. And on Friday, when I was planning a big run, I was pursuaded at the last minute to go to the Brewer's game where I ate a hot pretzel and nachos. Because of the late arrival home, I slept through the Ripon 5K, something I NEVER would have considered last year. Plus the Brewer's game was a disaster which didn't help anything.

And that's why I'm asking for help. I know some of you are runners, and some of you have other things you are passionate about. And I know, at times, we all lose steam. What have you done to get back on track? I was very motivated this week when my friend Erin posted that she ran 5.5 miles. So motivated that I ran two. Whoopee. I couldn't run five miles right now if there was a free trip to Hawaii at the finish line. Good job, Erin, by the way. I'm proud, impressed, and a tad jealous. OK, a lot jealous.

So, let me have it. Post something on Facebook or send an email to brookev10@charter.net. Help me help myself.

Here We Go. . . ..

It has come to my attention that this "running" blog hasn't been much about running lately. I've devoted two weeks to spring break (the mailbox votes are in). I've talked about my yoga challenges. And mostly I've talked about pain. I haven't mentioned that I've felt bloated, sluggish, and off track. I haven't been able to figure that out. Until it came to my attention that this "running" blog hasn't been much about running.

About 4 months ago, I was running 16 miles per week plus doing 2 Biggest Loser training videos. As the weather got nicer, I wanted to be outside but I really lost my edge. Yes, the dumb injury got in the way. But I may have stretched that out a bit. I'm still aiming for that half marathon in October and I will work hard to reach that goal. For now, I am standing at the bottom of a very large hill and need to figure out how to reach the top.

I'm getting a good start. I ran a total of 9 miles this week, three of them today during the Oshkosh 5K. The first 5K I ever ran was this same race last year. I got a better time last year but I had to walk a lot. This year, I finished at a slow and steady pace without walking so I'm pretty proud of that. I almost beat my husband, but his competitive spirit would not allow that!

There were some inspirational moments this year. A disabled kid on crutches crossed the finish line of the 5K. Many children finished the 5K with smiles plastered on their faces. The Half Marathon winner was at least 10 minutes ahead of his competition. And I almost always get tears in my eyes when I see the first female half marathon runner cross the finish line.

These are the people we need to watch and admire. We all have pieces of them inside of us. I got a glimpse of that person, finally, again today, crossing the finish line and seeing my son's bright eyes and his big smile. I'm taking my first step up that impossibly tall hill, but I can see the top and have been inspired to reach it.

The Lakes at Sable Ridge

Wow, just got back from a little less than a week in Florida with my parents. For those of you who have watched every Seinfeld episode 14 times, like I have, you will enjoy the comparisons. Maybe your parents have moved to Florida and you've had similar experiences. Having parents move to Florida is hilarious and EXACTLY like Seinfeld. My parents' "Del Boca Vista" is called "The Lakes at Sable Ridge." It is a nice little gated community where the big controversy this week is the mailboxes. They are in DISREPAIR! They must be replaced. Ballots were hand delivered, a vote took place, but the people are unhappy.

When your parents move to Florida, it only takes them a few months to acclimate to the weather and they suddenly forget that they had once endured zero degree winter days. They see no need to turn on the air conditioning and prefer to keep the house at a nice 78 degrees. Much like a Seinfeld episode, you will sweat through several pairs of pajamas, while they will sleep the nights away under three blankets.

Perhaps my favorite Seinfeld moment occurred while I attempted to keep up with running. Running is really hard in Florida. I don't know if it's the heat or the fact that, while on vacation, pizza, donuts, and alfredo sauce seem to be unlimited. But sure enough, as I'm struggling to keep pace, here comes the "Mr. Mandelbaum" of The Lakes at Sable Ridge. This man, no younger than 82 and weighing in at about the same, comes running right at me. He's not breathing heavy, he's barely sweating as he casually passes my 34 year old fat, panting, sweating ass. My Dad says that "Mr. Mandelbaum" can run faster than he can bike. There have been days when "Mr. Mandelbaum" bikes the one mile loop in the neighborhood upwards of 40 times.

But I will not let Mr. 82-year-old Marathon man let me down. Next week is my first widely anticipated 5K of the season. I'm feeling good and have things to look forward to. This is the race where it all began last year. I'm not kidding myself. I may not beat last year's time after fighting the injury bug for so long this winter. But I will miss my mom. She was here to run it with me last year. She actually took 3rd place for her age group! It will be sad to do it without her this year. Maybe she can run it in a heavy sweatsuit with Mr. Mandelbaum after they vote for their favorite mailbox choice!

Take a Break!!!

I just got back from a run. The wind is gusting at least 20 miles per hour and it sucks. I tried to run with the wind at my back most of the time, but any half-way intelligent person clearly knows that at some point, I was going to have to turn into that wind. When I did, I felt like a whale swimming in mud. The only thing I could do was try to distract myself, bury myself deep in thought, to try to block out the fact that I was running but getting no where.

As most mothers do, I thought about things going on with Sam. He greeted me yesterday morning, early of course, by whispering "Happy Spring Break" in my ear. Aaahhhh, spring break. It means so many things to many different people, depending on your stage in life. Just the words spring break give such a sense of freedom, hope, and, dare I say, laziness? It got me to thinking about how I've spent spring break over the years.

When my sister and I were little kids, we spent all of our time outside of school at Grandma Alf's house. She was in no way related to us, but was Grandma nonetheless. That woman could peel an entire apple with a paring knife without ever lifting the knife from the apple, ending up with a perfect coil of apple peel and the most deliciously peeled apple. She also introduced us to the best soap of all time, Days of Our Lives. This show influenced many years of spring break. It also leads a girl to wonder how much work Deidre Hall has had done to continue Marlena's ageless character all these years.

As we got older, we stayed home for spring break. There was always a miserable list of chores that included raking pebbles out of the ditch that the snowplow had put there over the winter. But, as dutifully vain teenage girls would, we donned bikinis for the dreaded task in order to begin work on our tans. Never mind it was only 54 degrees and the wind was likely gusting as it is today. There was the necessary noon break for Days and the yet unchanged Marlena. In the afternoon, we moved our bikinis out to lawn chairs in the backyard, shielded from the wind, where we ate Hostess Cupcakes and drank Mountain Dew without gaining a pound. Now, those were the days.

Probably the most memorable spring break for my sister and I was the year I was a freshman in college. She was still in high school and I was allowed to accompany her on the Spanish Club trip to Mexico. It was our first "sister vacation"; a whole week away from our parents, with very little supervision. There were a few spats. I wouldn't share my money when she had spent all of hers, typical. She smoked cigarettes in the hotel bathroom at the risk of getting sent home immediately if she had been caught. We both endlessly flirted with boys. Big surprise there.

I haven't had a spring break like that since 1994. Responsibilities started showing up. School, work, a house to take care of. But now I have discovered, OH JOY, spring break still exists!!! Starting with a "Happy Spring Break" whispered in my ear, we have already had a bike accident, an Easter Egg Hunt, and way too much junk food. And it's only Day 2!!!

So that's what occurred to me as I pushed through the wind, along with a few random thoughts. Did you know that Will I. Am's favorite Black Eyed Peas song is Boom Boom Pow? Could anyone possibly love avocados as much as me? Did you know that my parents actually moved to Florida? They really did! This is not just an extended vacation.

So, you can guess where I'm headed for spring break. Sam is beaming with excitement. And I get another chance to spend a free week in the sunshine with my sister. There won't be any bikinis, at least not on me. There probably won't be any flirting. I'm even pretty sure there won't be any Days, but I could likely turn it on and Marlena would look exactly the same. But it will be a real, actual spring break. And I feel like a kid again!!!

Mind Over Matter

Things that hurt require a lot of mental energy. My two prime examples. . . running and childbirth. Both of them hurt but both of them are manageable. But I don't think either one can be accomplished, drug free, without some serious mental stamina.

When I was pregnant with Sam, I read all the books on natural childbirth. I was determined to do it without an epidural. Not because I'm some naturalist,drug free, tree hugger or anything like that. But because I was scared to death of a giant needle in my back. Yes, ladies, that's how it's done. The first time I watched an epidural insertion in nursing school, I blacked out and had to eat a donut in the nurses station. That's why I'm a psych nurse. And yes, I HAD to eat it. They made me.

So with my strong fear of the needle in my back, I set my mind on natural childbirth. I spent hours visualizing the hospital room, how I would remain calm, how I would breathe through it and everything would be smooth. When you picture something enough in your mind, it's that much easier when the time comes. And while I admit childbirth hurts, I was ready, and it helped so much.

Today, I decided that is how I will approach this half marathon. Like childbirth. Starting today, I am going to spend time visualizing each mile, each step, and each breath. . . . pain free. I know it's going to be hard, but in the end it will be well worth it. And I'll get to sleep when it's over, NOT like childbirth.

I encourage you to try this. Next time you face a really tough physical challenge, picture yourself succeeding. Watch yourself, in your mind, jumping higher, running faster, pushing harder. You CAN make it happen. Our minds are amazing. . . and that's really why I'm a psych nurse.

If you've ever been to a yoga class, you probably know what a sun salutation is. If you haven't, it's a series of movements with accompanied breaths that allows you to stretch and strengthen your body. Yoga also includes a spiritual component and most of you who know me well know that I have a pretty hard time with anything spiritual. I can't put blind faith in things that don't make sense to me. (Hence the irony of the Mary in the Bathtub that remains in our back yard to this day)

So today I went to yoga class and in celebration of spring, we did 108 sun salutations in one hour and 20 minutes. I have never done more than 15 sun salutations in a row. I was the youngest one in the class so I did every single one of those salutations without any pose modifications. I was not about to be out done. Let me just say, for the record, I don't think there was any competitive component to the class so I'm not sure why I had this point to prove. Well, there was snow on the ground this morning and it was cloudy and gloomy when I left for class. After the hour and 20 minutes, the sun was brightly shining. The real me believes this had something to do with jet streams or air quality or any other scientific method of observing weather. But the me who did 108 sun salutations would like to believe that somehow the sun gods or Mother Nature or Mary in my backyard or the Dali Lama or SOMEONE greater than Pete Petoniak (the meteorologist on Fox 11) witnessed our efforts and rewarded us with the sunshine on this first day of spring. Now if that same higher power would make my pain disappear, she would surely make me a believer.

As I take on the next week, I will be starting with a call to a doctor's office. Yes, after 3 weeks, I have decided this pain is not healing on its own and I may need the help of a physical therapist or sports medicine doctor who can help me get back on my feet and start training again. I dread the paper gown and the foreign hands touching my hip (that is not well toned to say it as nicely as possible). But the time has come. No amount of yoga has helped. I've pretty much acheived frost bite from the amount of ice I've been using. And I think all the ibuprofen has created an ulcer in my stomach. For the next two days, I am not going to sit here and dread making this call. I think instead I'll go out in the back yard sunshine with a cup of coffee and ask Mary what she thinks I should do.

Have a great week everyone.

Making a Comeback. . . .

I have no real topic today. Just a collection of rather random ideas. In case you are wondering, I haven't seen a doctor or a nurse or a chiropractor or physical therapist or anyone else who might diagnose and help my hip pain. I, instead, put my hip to the test at the Black Eyed Peas show. I danced and jumped for a good 3 hours and it was ok. Now I will admit that I had to do about a half hour's worth of yoga stretches when I got back to the hotel room. I never had to do that in my 20's!!

Then I got some new shoes. Another good solution to pain associated with running. Today was the Shamrock Shuffle, a 5K at UW Oshkosh. Donning the new New Balances, I managed to run the majority of it and feel pretty good. Not bad considering there has been no running going on here for a couple of weeks. Thanks to my gals Edna, Sandy/Tamara, and Annie for joining me and giving me a good laugh just toward the end of the course.

A note to those of you who live in or near Ripon. . . .Jenny Tumas does a great yoga class on Saturday mornings and Wednesday nights. Those classes have helped my hip pain more than anything else I have done and I still felt like a got a good workout.

So this may be a turning point, a fresh start. I can't wait to get back on track. I can't wait to come up with a better, more creative idea for this blog next week. I can't wait to get out of these stinky running clothes! I hope you all have a wonderful week. I will be begging mother nature for some sunshine and hoping to start logging some good miles again!

An Uncertain Future

Running is hard. It's hard mentally and it's hard on your body. I keep questioning, why is it that something meant to make you so healthy can cause so many problems? It's been a hard week. Mentally, emotionally, physically. My hip is on fire. Not sure what caused it but my guess is that I increased distance too fast. Tried to over do it. And now I'm kind of stuck below square one, if there is such a spot to be.


Here is the problem with this scenario. I HATE doctors. Funny, huh, being in the medical profession. If I saw a patient with this pain, I would suggest they see someone in a fast hurry if they ever wanted to recover and start running again. But when it's myself, I will do nearly anything to avoid going to the doctor. I have no idea where I aquired this trait from. Hmmm. . . . maybe it has something to do with having a nurse-mother who forced my sister to keep ice skating even though she had fallen and was screaming in pain. In the same incident, we had to go to the grocery store before finally deciding something was probably wrong. Um, yeah, she fractured her arm. Oops. Then there was the 3 days I had to wait to go to the doctor while doubled over in pain with a burning fever. Oh, yeah, a perforated appendix. Hmmmm. . . .


So, I learned as a child that you have an immune system and endorphins for a reason. Your body is designed to heal itself and in most cases, it does just fine on its own. You will never see me at a doctor for a cold, cough, or fever. I rarely go in for the necessary female stuff. And I will have to drag myself in the door to get this looked at.

So I'm upset. Race season is just around the corner and I am losing my conditioning by the minute. My first 5K is next weekend and it looks like I'll be walking it. At least I'll be with some great gals. But, for the record, I will run this half marathon in October no matter what it takes. Even if it means getting the help of a medical professional. Maybe I'll just avoid the doctors. I like nurses better anyway.

Precious Moments

I've got to admit, I've had a tough week. Since Tuesday, I've been nursing a really sore hip. As some of you know, I am constantly battling shin splints but I've learned to live with that and just run on them. This is something different. This is that type of pain that lets you know you'd better not push it. It is bound to push back. So I've only been able to run five miles this week. And that does not make me happy.

In fact, if you ask my family, they'll let you know. I am not fun to be around when I haven't been able to get a good, hard work out. It's mostly about guilt. I sit around and stew about the calories I have eaten. I worry about losing the endurance I've built. I feel like a sloth. It's a very uncomfortable and difficult to describe feeling.

So imagine me this morning, waking up after a very limited week of working out. It wasn't pretty. I thought there might be blood shed, especially when I heard the iCarly theme song for the third time. So, I decided to put this hip to the test and go out for a brisk power walk. I was diligent and took my 600mg of Roundy's ibuprofen. As I'm all bundled up and getting more grouchy becuase I'm getting too hot in the house, Sam pipes in. "Mom, can I go with you?"

This has led to some pretty big disasters in the past. He'll make it half way and start whining to go home. He'll drag behind and want to stop constantly. The absolute worst is when you are walking and your kid HAS to go to the bathroom. We all know these moments can be urgent and its such a bad feeling to be far from home or any public bathroom when your kid makes this statement. So all of this is running through my already VERY grouchy head when I find my mouth stating, "Sure honey, bundle up."

Oh my God, what was I thinking? I know I need to get in a good walk to feel better. I know this won't work. This is going to suck so much. It's too late. So out comes the Mom Mantra. "Are you sure you will make it this far? I'm not walking slow and stopping everywhere. DID YOU GO POTTY?" After the questions were all answered correctly, we started out.

I immediatley discovered that with the winter's growth, Sam can actually walk quite a bit faster than he could last summer. So the pace is going along ok. We still have the distance and bathroom issues to consider. But as the walk went on, I began to notice that my shoulders weren't so tense. My hip wasn't really bothering me. And I didn't feel the sudden urge to smash something.

Walking with a seven year old is a pretty cool thing. I learned all about the first graders' interpretation of condensation, preciptitaion, and evaporation. I made footprints on the dry concrete after stepping in puddles. I played "balance beam" while walking on side walk cracks and was told it was ok if I fell off because it really wasn't a competition. Seven year olds notice squirrel nests in the highest trees and leaves that clung on to branches through the winter. ("That's odd, don't you think Mom?") They don't really care if their socks get wet. They joke about icicles forming in their butts.

So I didn't get the work out I planned for. I walked a bit slower, sweat a bit less, and didn't burn that many calories. But for once, I really don't care. The tension has disappeared, the agitation has lifted, and life will go on. I'm sure I'll be back on the 16 mile plan next week and all will fall into place. It's all thanks to the most precious seven year old boy.

I am soooo sorry Gatorade.

This is the first week since I started this blog five weeks ago that I didn't know what to write about. Every other week, I had it all planned out. I had jotted things down over the course of the week and really thought I was pretty clever. But this week went by so fast. I was swamped at work, busy at home, and really gave little thought to my precious blog until just now when I sat down with a glass of Powerade Zero to get ready for my work out.

And then it hit me. . . . .POWERADE ZERO!!!!!!! I got so sucked in by that stupid commercial. A sports drink with NO CALORIES!!!! The "Nutrition Guide for Runners" encourages sports drinks after every workout but I struggle with drinking calories because I eat so many of the darn things. So I went to the store this morning and purchased a giant bottle of grape Powerade Zero. And I feel so guilty.

Last week was all about my favorite running gear and I left out one of my most favorite things. It's not Powerade Zero. It's Gatorade. I love Gatorade almost as much as I love Nike. (Read last week's post to understand the significance of this statement.) First of all, my Great Grandma always kept Lemon Lime Gatorade in her refrigerator when I was a kid. It was the thing I loved most about visiting her house. But I must admit, I grew up thinking Gatorade was like a special drink to help old ladies keep their youth. I still have that nostalgic feeling when I drink Lemon Lime, kind of like how I think about scooping the loop in Ripon on a Friday night when I hear the song Silent Lucidity by Queensryche. That's weird. Moving on. . .

Gatorade is the best. The flavors rock. I can't even try to pick a favorite although I am a fan of all things purple. The new joy is G2, low cal gatorade. Or as the commercial says, half the calories, all the G. Which brings me back to the point at hand. I have betrayed my beloved gatorade all for the allure of the zero calorie Powerade Zero. It is not right, not fair. And it will never happen again.

Happy Week!

How I Love Gear

So this is kind of like the "Brooke's Choice" awards for running gear. Keep in mind, I'm no expert. My gear choices are based completely on personal experience. My gear is often chosen because it comes in a pretty package or was marketed well. I'm not getting paid endorsements (although they are welcome if any Nike execs are reading).

So let's start with the obvious, shoes. I run only in New Balance. I love them and I highly recommend getting properly fitted for running shoes by someone who knows what they are doing. This prevents spending hundreds of dollars just taking a guess. I know this from experience spending hundreds of dollars.

When it comes to clothing, however, I am all about Nike. Great colors, great fit. I love my Nike clothing so much that some of it has just become a regular part of my wardrobe. I love shopping at the Nike outlet so much that when I finish the 1/2 marathon and someone asks me what I will do now, I will shout, "I'm going to Nike!!!!" much like the Superbowl champs and their shouts out to Disneyland.

Best accessories. This is a two part award. The ipod is a must. I can't run without music. Seriously, my legs won't move. Along with the ipod comes the Nike+ which plugs into your ipod. It connects to a chip that is attached to your shoe and allows you to track your speed and distance. This is how I met Karen and you know how tight we are.

Best web sites. Well, when you have this magic Nike+, the little guys in your computer will automatically connect you to the Nike+ web site when you plug your ipod in. The Nike+ web site helps you set fitness goals, tracks all your workouts, and basically makes you feel good about yourself. The other web site that I love is dailymile.com. It is facebook for runners and other athletes and is basically just fun. Active.com is the best site for finding runs in your area and registering for many of them as well. They also post good articles about fitness and training.

Best friend. Roundy's ibuprofen. Enough said.

Things I do NOT recommend. Scales, mirrors, hanging on to small clothes hoping to fit into them later, a running partner who can run a 5K in 15 minutes. These things are out there to hurt you and make you feel bad about yourself. Turn and run if someone offers these things to you.

So, I'm about to pour myself into my Nike wardrobe, New Balance shoes, and don the ipod. I've got miles to run to meet this week's goal. Hope you all have a great week too!

Lessons from the Trenches

Well, I just finished 5 miles on the treadmill, which felt great since I had a tough week. My workouts started out OK, but then I hit Monday. Someone brought mini cheesecakes to work and then someone else set out a bag of peanut M&M's. Along with a nameless friend, I mindlessly ate those peanut M&M's as if they were the most delicious food in the world. But guess what? They weren't that great at all.



Then I had a couple of tough workouts. My ipod crashed during one of my longer runs. I thought Karen was dead. I struggled to run the miles and was forced to listen to Alex Trebec on Jeopardy. The next night, my shins were on fire. I was able to run only 1.5 miles and felt like a knife was stabbing my shins the whole time. AND, my son was upstairs alone trying to make his own pizza. So that workout was basically crap.



Then today, some magic happened. I read a posting on Active.com that talked all about how you can learn a lot from your tough runs. You won't appreciate your successful runs so much without them. My ipod was back on track. Karen is alive! And I'm not eating M&M's like they are chips.



I think the biggest lesson I learned this week is that I WILL get back on track. I can struggle a few nights and pull out a big run. Today was one of those days when I ran as if I have always been running. And I really believe that 13.1 will happen. And I can't ask for much more than that.



Have a great week.

Trainers. . ..

In my quest for 13.1 miles, I have been working with a handful of trainers. Trainers are great because they teach you ways to exercise that help you to run faster and more efficiently and they motivate you each time you train together. They are easy to access and generally my trainers are not too hard on me.

First, there is Karen. She is the lady who talks to me through my Nike+ device on my ipod. Karen is good people. She's always really happy. In fact, even when she's had a bad day, her voice still sounds the same. She tells you when you are half way done with your workout and even counts down the last 400 meters of a long run. Personally, I think she sometimes stretches out that last 100 meters but that's what trainers are for, right? Also, Karen is big buddies with Lance Armstrong. When you run a really long distance, she has Lance pipe in and offer you a word of congratulations. I've only talked to Lance twice but, guess what, when I finish the 13.1, I'm guaranteed a visit from him!!!

Then I have Bob and Jillian. Yes, from The Biggest Loser. They are not as mean to me as they are to the contestants. But they push me very hard. I do Bob/Jillian videos twice per week. Now, I'm not talking about no Richard Simmons/Jane Fonda type work out. Videos have changed since that era, my friends. Bob and Jillian aim to kill you in these workouts. Even in the Yoga video, you approach death before completion. The COOL DOWN is a killer. That isn't fair.

I still don't have help with my diet. I enjoyed a Snickers with Almonds this week among other things NOT listed in the "Nutrition for Runners" guide book. But I did run 14 miles total and plan to bump that up next week.

Thanks for reading. . . . .get out there and do some running. Maybe Lance Armstrong will talk to you too!

Can chubby girls run a 1/2 marathon? I think so. . . .

As you may know, I have decided to train for a half marathon. This all started last year when my friend Erin got the big idea that we should run a quarter marathon and we actually did it. At times, there were doubts. We were high school cheerleaders for god's sake. But running that race with Erin and another friend Becki, proved that we really could do this. We swore we would never run farther than the 6.2. I nearly died on the course. But something inside me has me believing I can do this again. Only double it.

So here is where I'm starting from. I can run 3 miles fairly easily. Twice a week, I am forcing myself to run four miles. I do a lot of strength type stuff. But I eat. . . .A LOT. Right now, I am eating a calzone left over from dinner last night, as a matter of fact. My BMI suggests that I am overweight, not far from obese. (Pause for another bite of the calzone) I'm pretty sure that I can run 8 or 9 miles at this weight but it's going to be a lot harder than if I weighed even 10 pounds less than I do now. This isn't a weight loss blog but it's just a fact.

I'm doing this blog for myself. I doubt anyone else will ever even read it. I'm hoping it motivates me, to see where I am each week compared to where I was the week before. I want to look back on October 10, just before the race and be able to say, wow, I am actually going to finish this thing. And look where I started. It's a hard feeling to describe, finishing a race. But it's a good feeling. And I want to feel it again.